I didn't have closure when we broke up and I won't have closure now because I didn't speak with her then and I can't speak with her now. I didn't see her sick. I didn't see her die. I can only imagine and my brain cannot accept it yet. So I write about Marie as if she is still alive and still with me which she still is in my mind.
Hopefully, writing will help me understand and help me to live with my loss of our relationship and of Marie, the love of my life. It's been 12 years since we were together and I have never thought of another woman. Marie was all I wanted and I still dreamed about her. Sad isn't it, that for 12 years I let her live her life and didn't go after her.
Writing helps me put down and organize my thoughts and look at them and begin to understand things a bit better. Of course it is silly and maybe meaningless to write about something and someone that doesn't exist and about something that will not be read. It doesn't matter to anyone but myself. My mother just asked what I am doing and to stop writing. I asked her if she wrote and why. She said yes and she wrote so she could read it herself.
I have already gone through a lot of emotions by writing just the last three days. I learned how to set up this blog in the most efficient way and I decided to start a blog about my own life. In the morning I write about Marie and in the afternoon I write about me, sort of an autobiography or memoirs. I have layed out my chapters and started with My early years and already have realized more about myself. Ultimately I think everything we do is about ourselves. I write about Marie and me, about our life together, about our relationship, about My Marie. I write about my feelings and understanding. I can't write about her feelings only about what I thought they were at that time. I have no idea what she thought since then nor especially what she thought at the end. I feel that most likely she did forget about me and her feelings for me wre gone and replaced with her feelings about herself and those around her helping her. But, I do believe that we are who we are for our entire lives and that never changes no matter what happens to us. I believe that Marie was who I knew her to be then and that never changed. Which means that in her memory or her mind she still remembers how she felt in our relationship. And, of course that is silly too because she has had many relationships since ours and they all had their own feelings and memories. To me they are special and I will keep writing. I loved Marie and I want to remember her. So, I write.