If I REally Wanted to
- Details
Here is the crazy part. If I really wanted to I would go deep down inside myself, deep into my spirit and ask to communicate. But, I haven.t done that. I have always reserved that for true deep desires.
What Good Would it Do?
- Details
I just want to see Marie one more time, to hug her, to hear her voice to talk with her and to be with her. I respect that she is in other relationships and don't want to interfere. So I have always stayed back. It wouldn't even do any good to revive her feelings because she has new ones.
Why Do I Write?
- Details
I didn't have closure when we broke up and I won't have closure now because I didn't speak with her then and I can't speak with her now. I didn't see her sick. I didn't see her die. I can only imagine and my brain cannot accept it yet. So I write about Marie as if she is still alive and still with me which she still is in my mind.
Text Messages From 2011
- Details
I just spent the morning reading all of our text messages to each other from 2011 to 2021. I have to fugure out how to download them including all the photos because this is an incredible record of everything we said to each other. How does it make me feel to read these today?
Could I Have Helped Marie?
- Details
I don't know what kind or cancer or where it started. I don't know what stage it was in when she was diagnosed. And i don't know why she didn't tell me. She knew how much I loved her and cared for her or she forgot.
The Scary Thing Is
- Details
My last contact with Marie was by text in 2021. It seems like just a short time ago. She did not have cancer then. She did not know it was coming. So the scary thing is what don't we see coming. Today I am fine and everyone around me is fine. But what is coming?
What is Real?
- Details
Woke up today, day 4. Realized that Marie can't wake up. Where can she be? Is she in another world? Is she in space as an energy floating around with 90 Billion other souls who have died? The nice answer we all want is that she is reunited with her dad and is feeling only beauty and a higher level of peace. That would be nice.
Day 3
- Details
I am definetely in mourning and still in disbelief. Marie not letting me know was either to spare my or it was that she truly forgot about me. I think she forgot and wiped out our memories. She was black and white like that. She could turn off and walk away. Because she didn't think about things. She operated on a todo list and not a feelings list.
How I Met Marie
- Details
I met Marie on October 21st 2012 on a blind date. Tina, Mike's girlfriend at the time contacted me and said that through a friend Josée, there was a girl that would be a good match for me. She gave me her name and told me to contact her. Two weeks later she asked me if I did and when I said no, that I wasn't ready for a relationship. She told me again to contact her and then I did. I thought it couldn't hurt to at least meet and have a conversation.
The Good the Bad and the Beautiful
- Details
The Good
Marie was good. She was a very good person.She worked hard and did everything she needed to do. Once a week she mowed the lawn, she cleaned her house and did her laundry. Cleaning the house meant washing all the floors, washing down all the cupboards and the counters and even cleaning the bathtub which she almost never used. I know because since I was at home I offered to do these things every Friday.
Marie was kind. She had a good attitude about money. She was thrifty but didn't worry about money.
My Marie is Gone
- Details
For three days now I wake up and realize that Marie is gone. My brain can't accept it. How is this possible. Marie is a part of me. She lives in my head. I believe that when you get so close to someone part of your spirit enters their spirit and their spirit enters your. You truly become a part of each other. And when that part is gone, it still is in you and slowly you either try to keep it or try to let it leave your spirit. Time has nothing to do with it.
About My Marie
- Details
Three days ago I was told that my Marie passed away a week earlier. I am in shock. I didn't know that she was sick. I didn't know that she had been fighting cancer for 2 1/2 years. She didn't tell me. Why didn't she tell me?
This website blog is just for me to deal with the sudden realization that Marie is gone/ to create closure for myself. For the past three days I am trying to breath and trying to understand. So ultimately if I am honest, this blog is not about Marie at all. It is about me and my thoughts and feelings in trying to work through losing the person I felt I was closest too at the time. In fact, that time was 13 years ago, not recent. But, my belief is that all time is now, all memories in my head are now. Memories don't pass along the linear timeline that we live through our lives.