Woke up today, day 4. Realized that Marie can't wake up. Where can she be? Is she in another world? Is she in space as an energy floating around with 90 Billion other souls who have died? The nice answer we all want is that she is reunited with her dad and is feeling only beauty and a higher level of peace. That would be nice.
It would be nice to think that she is now above it all and can see clearly now. Can see me and our relationship and how much I loved her. I loved Marie so much that at one time I thought that if she could meet someone better for her than me then I would wish her to be happier. Is Marie in another world, a better world?
This really is the fundamental question of our live. Do we pass from this world to another world, one which is better, free of the pain in our bodies and the arguments and struggles we feel in this world?
My stepmother Roberta died of breast cancer after fighting it for 16 years and feeling she was clear of it. The beautiful blond 35 year old lady doctor who was taking care of her in the cancer ward said to me "If you saw what I have seen on this ward, you would know that there is another side". She told me for example the 4 bed room across the hall, three men died the same night and when she asked the fourth why he was still here he said that they came to him and asked him to go with them but he replied that his grand daughter was coming to visit today and he wanted to be here for her. She said she saw a ton of such things in the cancer ward. On the last day of my stepmothers life, the doctor came into the room and asked her how she was. My stepmother replied with a nice slow peaceful voice "I am fine". The doctor turned to me and said that she has one foot on the other side already. My stepmother herself told me that a while earlier she had died and was brought back. She said after that experience she is no longer afraid of dying because it was very peaceful. Her father Robert, one of the best people I have know also had cancer and told her that he died and came back and said it was very peaceful (I seem to remember thinking it was like drowning or maybe he had drowned earlier and was brought back to life). He didn't tell anyone about his pain and finally when he went to the hospital just after Christmas he was diagnosed and died two weeks later.
My stepmother's beautiful young doctor's mother was also a doctor and also worked in the cancer ward. She committed suicide. Two years after my stepmother's death I heard that this beautiful doctor also committed suicide. She must have truly believed there was another side that was better than this side.
We hear many stories like this. Many, many document cases of people dying and being brought back to life. They did a study with 2,000 patients who had heart operations and died and came back. Many stories of not wanting to come back because the other side was peaceful. But many different accounts. Some saw a white light, some had relatives come to get them but 39% felt nothing. This is what is scary. Going into nothing, just black.
This hospital set up a test with a projector showing images on the wall or ceiling above the patient obstructed from their view. They did this because so many patients said that they could see what was going on during their operation when they were under when they had died. But, apparently this experiment failed. Not one person who was brought back saw the images.
We are left with stories not knowing if there really is a white light or if it is just part of the process of our brain cells dying and releasing pain killing chemicals. Studies also say that the brain lives and is aware for an average of 7 minutes after death. They are assuming that this is our spirit that lives beyond our brain when there i no brain activity. We are also left with Mediums who say they channel and speak with the dead. We don't know if this is possible. We can only fall back on our own experiences and our own beliefs.
Yes it comes down to our own beliefs. We decide for ourselves what is real. Where are our relatives who died Are they helping us in our lives, protecting us?
I often wonder if my life is real or if it is a dream. (In fact I told my coworkers a long time ago in my thirties that I felt like I was going in and out of my life. That I would drive somewhere and not remember the drive and that I was just there. They started calling my Spaceman, which I kind of liked.) Do I create my own stories? Are all the people in our lives characters in our dream. Are they all here to serve our needs? I said to Marie when we laid in bed at night that she was my angel. I felt she was sent to me at my worst time and that she would just be temporary. I didn't feel that this beautiful relationship would last. I did however see us growing old together into our 80"s and 90"s, so that doesn't make sense.
Let me backtrack a bit. When I was a very young boy, I felt connected to the spiritual universe. I felt I was connected to where I came from and as I got older I felt this connection slipping away. I had white patches of skin discolouration on the inside of both my wrists and just above my ankles. I wondered if this was from my life before. Was I tied up? Is this why today I am so rebellious and wanting to be free from constraints and authority? Who knows but I have always felt spiritually connected and that if I really tried hard I could connect.
Come to think of it, there were a few times when I did try hard. In my breakup with my girlfriend Kathy in my twenties I thought so hard about her that the ceiling plaster in my bedroom fell down with an explosive bang to the wooden floor in the middle of the night. You would think that it was just a coincidence but it happened at the exact moment that I flelt my brain was going to burst. One time with my girlfriend Jenna just after orgasm I said to her "I just made you pregnant". I saw a white light pass into her. She did get pregnant and left me a week later then came back 13 weeks later the day after if found two birds' eggs dropped and cracked open on the drivers side of the front hood of my car. She came back to tell me she miscarried and had a DNC and needed $500 for the procedure. A few months later I figured out that a DNC cost $350 and an abortion cost $500.
I had a spiritual connection with my dog Vike and later with my dog Kuma. With Vike he stopped eating and drinking for a week and I looked up at the ceiling and with a deep down voice I said "Please don't take him now" The next moment he picked himself up and started drinking the milk in the bowl I had for him. That moment I knew I spoke to the animal diva. With Kuma I felt she was my connection to love. When she was in the middle of a seizure I was holding her and started crying deeply. She stopped and turned her head back to look at me. I stopped crying and thought it was a coincidence. She continued her seizure. So I cried again and she stopped again and looked at me again. I stopped and she continued. These things don't just happen.