I am definetely in mourning and still in disbelief. Marie not letting me know was either to spare my or it was that she truly forgot about me. I think she forgot and wiped out our memories. She was black and white like that. She could turn off and walk away. Because she didn't think about things. She operated on a todo list and not a feelings list.
On the first day I found out I accepted it somewhat. Later idt started to creep in and I started to say to myself, she is gone. The next day I was angry. Angry at the situation, not Marie, she can't be gone. I couldn't cath my breath. I got asthma for the first time since I was young. I didn't cry maybe because it hasn't really hit me yet. How could someone so close to me be gone.
Today the third day I am writing. Writing to try to make sense, writing as a way to release my feeling which I don't even really know what they are.
I am also somewhat looking for signs. Not fulheartely
I am questioning what is life and what is death. What was the purpose of her life? What is the purpose of mine? Is it a dream? Her life got cut short like a vacation. I also am in the midst of a war in Ukraine where people are losing their lives and their family every day. How can they deal with it,. Theirs is worse than mine. I feel guilty enjoying my bed and my comforter.
Will Marie be aware in her afterlife? Will she see what she didn't see in this life. I look for signs not believing that I will get them. I wish I could have been there to helf her. Maybe it was best becasue I would have caused problems for everyone who just wanted her to do what she was supposed to do and walk the path bravely.
I feel I need to sit quietly for a bit. Meditate and listen. How can anything enter and come into my head if I am all day typing out my thoughts. Writing about my grief for Marie got me thinking about writing my memoirs. I sent up my website structure and chapters and started to write. I've been setting up websites and writing all day since coffee. Time to stop and quietly listen.